What do you do when you feel there is nothing left?

So time moves on as it always does. I was young and impressionable and stupid to say the very least. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't naive but I was pretty stupid about life in general. My Mom did the best she could raising us kids, I mean after all it's not like any of us were perfect. She had a hard time, and you have to remember this was the late 70's. I guess people thought that she should have stayed at home and never looked at another man. Well that is not reality now is it? People grieve differently. I am not blaming my Mom, I think she did what she felt was best for us kids. However, there were alot of men in and out of our lives. They never tried to take my Dad's place. It wouldn't have done them any good to try we were all old enough to tell them to kiss off. There were a few that were nice, some we only heard about we never met them. Some I wished I hadn't met. But that's life.

I am proud of the fact that no matter what I stuck up for my family, or stuck behind them whatever you want to say. I mean it is one of those things that I can slam them for how they treated me but no one else better slam them cuz then they get to deal with me. And trust me I have heard that I am a bitch by many people, it doesn't bother me anymore. Actually nowadays I am quite proud of it. So growing up wasn't easy. I had a really hard time in school, I guess because living in a small town they all knew that I was upset over my Dad dying before I did. And they all knew that they had to be careful with me because God forbid if somebody said something that set me off. They did not want the responsibility that they may have been the force to make me go nuts. Did I go nuts?? I don't know if you can call it that. I call it that I was told that my nerves could not take anymore and they took a vacation. hehehe so if that is going nuts i guess I did. What is cool for me remembering that time is that my true friends never made fun of me, not once. They all told me that it was okay and that they were sorry that my Dad died. They didn't dwell on it like the adults did, they didn't make fun of me or pity me, they said what they needed to say and moved on. It helped trust me. There is nothing worse than finding out that someone you thought was a friend was only your friend out of pity. That truly sucks and it makes you feel like a loser and a jerk.

I had fun in High School for the most part. Yeah I will admit I got away with murder not only at home but at the school too. I did use my "nervousness" to do things that I should not have. I hav elearned what an idiot thing that is to do. I have learned that one must stand on your own two feet. The best thing that I have learned over the years is this "You are only as good as your word" If you give your word keep it. If you can't keep it, tell the person that you gave your word too and explain what is going on. Truth is always better than lies. There is much less to remember. Lies always catch up with you ALWAYS. Yes I admit it I have lied, I have lied about big things, little things, that that were stupid to lie about. Things I had no reason to lie about, nobody cared but I did it anyway. So this is how I learned I got caught by someone who loved me enough to tell me I was being stupid, yep you guessed it my Mom. You know it's funny cuz for the longest time, my sister raised me, she did the best she could. Or so I think, it isn't her fault that I am the way I am, it's all my responsibility. But I know that people think my Mom was wrong in not being there emotionally, but I truly feel that when my Dad died he took a big piece of my Mom with him. I think she drank alot and saw alot of guys because she was trying to feel something again. I can relate to that. When you know that you should feel something and you don't, it is pretty scary. You feel numb...........and that ain't good.

So anyway, my sister helped to raise me alot. She took care of me, the one problem with this is she couldn't turn it off. Not even after she got married and had her own kids. Not even after I got with someone and had children, she couldn't stop herself. I remember once her telling me that she had done it for so long she couldn't stop. Course this was while my Mom was still alive. She even mothered my Mom for along time. She is the "Mother" of the family. I wish I could make her life easier but I can't and I know I can't. She doesn't understand me nor do I understand all of what she does either. But we get together occasionally shoot the breeze and move on till the next time.

So back to my Mom, she was adrift in a sea of nothingness, or at least that is how I put it. I had an assignment in school once to write a poem that talked about my feelings. I remember turning it in and there was only one sentence on the paper. I feel nothing. That was what I wrote, I was going through life feeling nothing. My English teacher was so awesome he took me aside and said that he was concerned about me. He started having me stay after school helping him out. We talked, it helped. He was one awesome teacher.

I am fine now, although I am on anti-depressants. They keep me sane. I started taking them about a year after my Mom died. I cried all the time. I miss her so much even now and it has been six years. There are times that something happens and I pick up the phone to call Mom, to realize that I can't call her. It hurts but it is life. It will always hurt. She left too early, she was 68 years young. But she had lots of health problems and she was in pain and I wish that I could have been a better daughter to her. I wished that I could have taken her pain away from her. I wish alot of things when it comes to my Mom, but they are only wishes. And if wishes were pennies, I would be rich now.

That's all for tonight, I'm tired, I'm cranky and I'm in need of a good hug from my husband. Till next time stay safe and keep healthy.