So now you know the secret. The one that I don't tell alot of people. They don't really understand. And now it's been 39 years, this year it will be 40 years since my Dad died. Wow, 40 years. I don't think that I have thought about it like that before. My Dad whose birthday is April 1st, would be 80 years old this year. WOW. Its funny because I remember people telling me, you will get past this. And I did. I was young and young people tend to bounce back quicker and easier. But you know you do what you are suppose to do. It's okay. So as a kid, I guess I just did what I felt was the right thing to do. I didn't deal with it. I made the choice to not deal with it. So what I did was I ignored it. I still believed that my Dad was alive. Or I guess that part of me just knew he wasn't there. He wasn't dead to me, he just wasn't home. Of course, it might have helped had I gone to his funeral. Yes you read that correctly. My Mom, decided I was too young to go to my Dad's funeral. I don't really know why. I just know that she felt it wasn't a good idea. So I went to my cousins she couldn't go she had just had a baby. So I stayed with her. I think that is what made me think that my Dad would be back at some point. But it did play havoc with me. In a few years, I had a nervous breakdown. I remember going to school that day, I remember that we had maple bars in school. I don't remember why but we did. I went to a very small school at that time so I don't know why we would have had doughnuts. Anyway, later that afternoon, I remember getting sick and that I don't remember alot. I know my Mom came and got me and took me home. I know that whatever I was going through must have been hell on my Mom. Anyway, I truly do not remember going home from school that day. I remember that night my Uncle took my Mom and me to the hospital in Prosser. The ride to the hospital, what I remember is hanging my head over my Mom's lap and puking constantly. I heard Mom and Uncle Don talking about maybe someone had slipped me some drugs or something. I don't remember the rest of the ride. When we got to the hospital, I remember the lights in the ceiling in the hallway, I was on a gurney and they were wheeling me down the hallway. The lights were flying by so I guess we were moving pretty quickly. I don't remember anything after that until the next day. I woke up the next morning, in a strange bed, by myself and in pain. My back was killing me. I was scared. I remember yelling for my Mom. I remember rubbing my lower back because it hurt so bad. I pulled my hand out from behind me and looked at it, and all I saw was blood. I freaked, I screamed. They came running. The nurse told me to take it easy that I was okay. They called my Mom, I guess they had sent her home. So she was on her way back to the hospital.
When she got there, she came straight to my room and told me that the Dr had decided that I had had a nervous breakdown. Great. You don't understand what that means trust me. To someone who is a teenager, I was 13 it is a crappy thing to have to go through. Then my Mom told me that the reason that my hand had blood on it is because they did a spinal tap. They thought that I had ingested drugs in some way and I guess they wanted to find out what it was. Let me tell you, I WILL NEVER NEVER have a spinal tap again if I have a choice. It hurt and it hurt for quite some time afterward. And I will tell you I think that it messed up my back. But that is my opinion. And what do I know, I am not a Doctor. Anyway, so they decided that I had a nervous breakdown, then it was time for the shrinks. Yes I say shrinks. Some were good, some were not so good. One told my Mom that the only thing wrong with me is that I was missing my Dad because there was no male to notice that I was going through puberty. I thought my Mom was gonna kill him. She got up and literally pushed him across the room and told him he could go to hell. :) Yeah that was my Mom. So then she found another shrink, he was pretty nice. He put me on Valium. Said I needed it. Yeah I needed it so much that I got addicted to it. So we learned Valium bad very bad. Once I got off of it, I have never taken it again. I learned my lesson very early. I made it through it though. It was great, well it wasn't great, but like I said before, it is what made me me. This is my life, by the time I was 13, I was being raised by a widowed parent, I had a nervous breakdown and learned that not all shrinks are created equal. But I have made it. The last shrink that I went to on the last appointment that I had with him, he told me that I was unique. That I had gone through more setbacks in 13 years than most people do in 40 years. I don't know if that was true then, but I darn sure know that looking back at it, it was hell but I made it.
Of course you realize that this is really only part of my life. I can't tell you everything that I did when I was younger. I don't remember quite a bit of it. I don't really know if that is by design or by chance. But I do know that you have to work through the trials and tribulations of life. I will continue to work through my life trials. It isn't easy but it will be done if it is meant to be. Be safe and stay healthy until the next posting.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
The bad part of my young life
Well, lets see where to begin on this journey of bad news. First off, I should say that my Dad rode horses alot. He owned his own and they were his, my two sisters shared that love with him. I didn't or at least I don't remember loving the horses like they did. Don't get me wrong I enjoyed horses, in particular our horses. We had one called Stranger, he was the coolest horse. We could give him peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and he would eat them. Oh my if you have never seen a horse eating peanut butter you have to picture this, they have such big mouths that the peanut butter gets stuck on the top of their mouths and they are continuously trying to get it off. It is way too funny to watch. And then of course my Dad would give him a bottle of beer and he would of course drink it. He would grasp the neck of the bottle with his teeth and tilt his mouth up to the sky and he would just poor it down his throat. It was amusing I must say at least for a 10 year old to watch anyway. So time goes on and Dad takes me to herding cows with him. I get to ride stranger, just hold on Dad says, Stranger knows what to do. He's a good cutting horse. Well yeah he is a very good cutting horse, he almost dumped me twice. Dad says it is because I didn't have my boots on. Well I didn't have boots to wear so I was wearing tennis shoes. It was a good day, but I was tired very quickly from riding on a horse. Dad took me to where my Mom worked at a restaurant so that I could eat something. Then he told Mom that he needed some money because he needed to buy me my first pair of cowboy boots. And she gave him the money and we went and bought them. I have no idea what they looked like I just remember actually getting the boots. Funny how your mind doesn't let you remember everything, just bits and pieces. All of this took place in the summer, and in October, of 1971, I had turned 10 years old in August, the worst thing ever happened to me. My Dad died. He was 40 years old. He just died. He was there one minute gone the next. Let me tell you it sucked. I remember the day just like it happened yesterday. It is hard to forget when one incident changes your whole world.
It was a nice day, Dad was getting his horse ready to go roping. He was headed to Prosser to go roping with his friends. He did that alot. Sometimes us kids went this was not one of those times. Mom was going. So my Dad, who was never demonstrative, got ready to leave he gave me a hug and told me he loved me. I was stunned, even at 10 I remember thinking wow Dad what got into you. I mean don't get me wrong, I always knew my Dad loved me. He just didn't say it. But we all knew. It was just one of those unspoken things. But anyway, so Dad and Mom leave in the horse trailer with the horse. Several hours later, my sister and I were sitting on the porch and I looked at her and told her that Dad wasn't coming home. I didn't know why. I just knew. A couple hours after that and here comes my Mom and my Uncle driving up in my Uncle's pickup. No horse trailer, no my Dad, just my Mom, crying, holding my Dad's cowboy hat. No one got my Dad's hat but Dad. I knew at the age of 10 what it is like for your whole world to fall down around your ears. The way you had always lived was gone, in a heartbeat, or truthfully it was gone in the lack of a heartbeat. My Dad died from a Massive Coronary. In plain language, he had a heart attack that no one could come back from. His heart quit, it stopped and it was never going to start again. My Dad didn't exist anymore except in pictures and memories. It wasn't really fair. He was young. Why my Dad? I asked myself all the questions, I never got any answers, or at least I never got the answers to the questions I asked.
My Dad was dead. Dead at 40 years old. Never coming home again. I was never going to see him again. Dead. Permanent. Gone. It was insane, it was terrible, heartbreaking pain that tore through a person and made them feel nothing, just nothing. Tears oh my god the tears came and they went, and then they came again. It was a time of what do we do now. Where do we go from here. So many people in and out of the house. People calling, letters being written and being received. It was STOP, for me it was just stop. My Mom was crying constantly, my sisters and my brother would cry. I know I cried, but I also know that they cried. My Uncle spend alot of time at my house, so did my Aunt. My Granny and Grandpa, my Dad's parents, they pretty much got through the funeral. And then the only time we saw them was pretty much when us kids went over there. I never knew what had happened with them for many years. I know now, I'm not happy with what happened but I can't change it and they are the ones that had to live with what happened. So anyway, I guess a little later on about six months or so, maybe a year, my Mom went to my Grandparents to ask them for some help. My Grandpa said no. He didn't like her much I learned years later. But why wouldn't he help his grandchildren? I don't know, I can't answer that because by the time I found all this out he was long since gone, passed away, so I could not ask him. I just know that my Mom never let us kids know about it until after we were adults. She was pretty smart my Mom. She knew it would have an effect on our relationship with them and she did not want that to happen.
Okay so this has dredged up alot of hard feelings. Feelings that I have not faced in a very long time. It's not easy writing this and feeling these feelings again. So stay safe and healthy till I write more.
It was a nice day, Dad was getting his horse ready to go roping. He was headed to Prosser to go roping with his friends. He did that alot. Sometimes us kids went this was not one of those times. Mom was going. So my Dad, who was never demonstrative, got ready to leave he gave me a hug and told me he loved me. I was stunned, even at 10 I remember thinking wow Dad what got into you. I mean don't get me wrong, I always knew my Dad loved me. He just didn't say it. But we all knew. It was just one of those unspoken things. But anyway, so Dad and Mom leave in the horse trailer with the horse. Several hours later, my sister and I were sitting on the porch and I looked at her and told her that Dad wasn't coming home. I didn't know why. I just knew. A couple hours after that and here comes my Mom and my Uncle driving up in my Uncle's pickup. No horse trailer, no my Dad, just my Mom, crying, holding my Dad's cowboy hat. No one got my Dad's hat but Dad. I knew at the age of 10 what it is like for your whole world to fall down around your ears. The way you had always lived was gone, in a heartbeat, or truthfully it was gone in the lack of a heartbeat. My Dad died from a Massive Coronary. In plain language, he had a heart attack that no one could come back from. His heart quit, it stopped and it was never going to start again. My Dad didn't exist anymore except in pictures and memories. It wasn't really fair. He was young. Why my Dad? I asked myself all the questions, I never got any answers, or at least I never got the answers to the questions I asked.
My Dad was dead. Dead at 40 years old. Never coming home again. I was never going to see him again. Dead. Permanent. Gone. It was insane, it was terrible, heartbreaking pain that tore through a person and made them feel nothing, just nothing. Tears oh my god the tears came and they went, and then they came again. It was a time of what do we do now. Where do we go from here. So many people in and out of the house. People calling, letters being written and being received. It was STOP, for me it was just stop. My Mom was crying constantly, my sisters and my brother would cry. I know I cried, but I also know that they cried. My Uncle spend alot of time at my house, so did my Aunt. My Granny and Grandpa, my Dad's parents, they pretty much got through the funeral. And then the only time we saw them was pretty much when us kids went over there. I never knew what had happened with them for many years. I know now, I'm not happy with what happened but I can't change it and they are the ones that had to live with what happened. So anyway, I guess a little later on about six months or so, maybe a year, my Mom went to my Grandparents to ask them for some help. My Grandpa said no. He didn't like her much I learned years later. But why wouldn't he help his grandchildren? I don't know, I can't answer that because by the time I found all this out he was long since gone, passed away, so I could not ask him. I just know that my Mom never let us kids know about it until after we were adults. She was pretty smart my Mom. She knew it would have an effect on our relationship with them and she did not want that to happen.
Okay so this has dredged up alot of hard feelings. Feelings that I have not faced in a very long time. It's not easy writing this and feeling these feelings again. So stay safe and healthy till I write more.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Grade School
So here I am back again, tonight. I found myself wanting to get this down for some reason. Perhaps it is because my oldest daughter made a comment after reading my first posting, I don't know. What I do know is that I feel the need to get this out. Maybe it has been bothering me? Anyway, here goes. So I think back to my grade school. I didn't go to Kindergarten, I don't think Bickleton had a Kindergarten to be honest. I remember my first and second grade teacher though, and she was great. I remember her being nice but firm. She was one of those people that she would correct you if you needed it but she was just as lucky to give you a hug if you needed that too. But then please remember this was back when a teacher could give you a hug, because as a little child you needed one. Or then again your teacher could give you a whack on the backside if you needed that too. But we will get into that later. I remember one time that we got into trouble during first grade, we got corrected by our hands being hit with a ruler. OUCH. yes I said OUCH. It's funny I can remember that. But we never got in trouble for something that we didn't do. She was one smart teacher. And I thank her for helping me become who I am today. She wasn't afraid to let your parents know if you were doing good or bad and she darn sure wasn't afraid of the kids. Perhaps it was because back then, your parents would kick your a$$ if you didn't behave. We were taught manners, morals, respect, ethics, you know good old fashioned values. Alot of people today, well I should say alot of kids today do not have that, and they know that they can pull the wool over their parents eyes. In other words they don't get in trouble. Back when I was growing up, you did. One did not dare to back talk their parents. Because if you did you got smacked and to be honest you deserved it.
Anyway where was I? Oh yeah getting smacked by my teacher. LOL yeah anyway the point was that she was a great teacher, and I remember her all these years later. I also remember my classmates, well there is a reason for that. Bickleton was so small that the classes never really grew. My class was the graduating class of 1979. So I knew everyone in my class. Some would show up through the years but they would go away. We were one of the biggest classes of Bickleton High School. Our class was 17 students. I know go ahead and laugh. It's okay but at that time I didn't know any better. I didn't know there were way bigger schools out there. All I knew was Bickleton. And I liked it, or I guess I did. So back to my life. I remember playing during recess one time, we were outside and it was a nice day. Mind you this is when girls wore dresses or skirts. We were not allowed to wear pants to school. So we didn't. We would never have gotten out of the door at home. The only time I remember wearing pants was when it was winter time and there was alot of snow. But as soon as we got to school off came the pants. It was the rules and we followed them without question.
So we were out on recess and we were playing, and I remember we started playing cowboys and indians. ::laughing:: Gosh it has been so long ago now. It's like it happened to someone else not to me. We were playing and I remember tying one of the boys to a tree and I will not name him because this isn't about him. But it was so funny. We left him out there, but I remember before we went in from recess, I remember kissing him. Wow what a hussy I was. LOL I remember the teacher asking where he was and I told her outside tied to a tree. hehehe wow did I get into trouble. We didn't get to have the jump ropes after that for about a week. That showed me huh. Actually no it didn't but I'm sure it had an impact on me at the time. I don't remember all of my childhood, or rather I prefer not to write about some of it. Why you might ask well my younger school years were not alot of fun after a certain time in my life. But that is for later.
I remember growing up and having my friends and playing with them after school and on weekends. It was a normal life. My Dad always worked. My Mom worked sometimes. Not always, but she was always there for us kids. Always there for us kids. My Mom did the best that she could with what she was given. I know it must not have been easy for her. Dad was a rancher and he loved being out on his horses. I remember one time Dad was supposed to pick us kids up. I don't remember from where. But he picked us up in this old red car we had. We went to the Tavern in Bickleton. Dad wanted a beer so he stopped and told us to stay in the car. We did and pretty soon, here would come Dad out of the Tavern with soda pop and peanuts for all of us. Bottles of soda pop, grape or orange crush, pepsi, squirt, but real glass bottles, we used to take our peanuts and put them in our soda. Why? I don't know it is just what we did. We may be there for hours while my Dad drank inside. Then when he was ready to go home, he would come out, climb in the car and drive us all home. Remember this was many years ago. And we lived in an area where there were not police very often. Wow it is hard to remember some of this. I would never do that to my kids, my grandkids or my great grandkids. But that was the norm back then. I'm not saying everybody did it, but I can honestly say that I didn't think anything about it at the time.
I need a break. It's hard to think about the past some of it is soo painful, and I miss some of those times so darn much. It's not that I want to go back to that time, but sometimes I miss what I had back then. Think about it and you can understand it. I will write more later, this is enough for now. Enjoy and stay safe and healthy until next posting.
Anyway where was I? Oh yeah getting smacked by my teacher. LOL yeah anyway the point was that she was a great teacher, and I remember her all these years later. I also remember my classmates, well there is a reason for that. Bickleton was so small that the classes never really grew. My class was the graduating class of 1979. So I knew everyone in my class. Some would show up through the years but they would go away. We were one of the biggest classes of Bickleton High School. Our class was 17 students. I know go ahead and laugh. It's okay but at that time I didn't know any better. I didn't know there were way bigger schools out there. All I knew was Bickleton. And I liked it, or I guess I did. So back to my life. I remember playing during recess one time, we were outside and it was a nice day. Mind you this is when girls wore dresses or skirts. We were not allowed to wear pants to school. So we didn't. We would never have gotten out of the door at home. The only time I remember wearing pants was when it was winter time and there was alot of snow. But as soon as we got to school off came the pants. It was the rules and we followed them without question.
So we were out on recess and we were playing, and I remember we started playing cowboys and indians. ::laughing:: Gosh it has been so long ago now. It's like it happened to someone else not to me. We were playing and I remember tying one of the boys to a tree and I will not name him because this isn't about him. But it was so funny. We left him out there, but I remember before we went in from recess, I remember kissing him. Wow what a hussy I was. LOL I remember the teacher asking where he was and I told her outside tied to a tree. hehehe wow did I get into trouble. We didn't get to have the jump ropes after that for about a week. That showed me huh. Actually no it didn't but I'm sure it had an impact on me at the time. I don't remember all of my childhood, or rather I prefer not to write about some of it. Why you might ask well my younger school years were not alot of fun after a certain time in my life. But that is for later.
I remember growing up and having my friends and playing with them after school and on weekends. It was a normal life. My Dad always worked. My Mom worked sometimes. Not always, but she was always there for us kids. Always there for us kids. My Mom did the best that she could with what she was given. I know it must not have been easy for her. Dad was a rancher and he loved being out on his horses. I remember one time Dad was supposed to pick us kids up. I don't remember from where. But he picked us up in this old red car we had. We went to the Tavern in Bickleton. Dad wanted a beer so he stopped and told us to stay in the car. We did and pretty soon, here would come Dad out of the Tavern with soda pop and peanuts for all of us. Bottles of soda pop, grape or orange crush, pepsi, squirt, but real glass bottles, we used to take our peanuts and put them in our soda. Why? I don't know it is just what we did. We may be there for hours while my Dad drank inside. Then when he was ready to go home, he would come out, climb in the car and drive us all home. Remember this was many years ago. And we lived in an area where there were not police very often. Wow it is hard to remember some of this. I would never do that to my kids, my grandkids or my great grandkids. But that was the norm back then. I'm not saying everybody did it, but I can honestly say that I didn't think anything about it at the time.
I need a break. It's hard to think about the past some of it is soo painful, and I miss some of those times so darn much. It's not that I want to go back to that time, but sometimes I miss what I had back then. Think about it and you can understand it. I will write more later, this is enough for now. Enjoy and stay safe and healthy until next posting.
Single
So here I am looking backwards at what once was my single life. Wow that was a very long time ago. I guess I can start with that I am female, and right now I am 49 years young. I feel old sometimes but I am not. I thought that I would start my first blog by starting at the beginning. I know alot of people start their blogs from where they are right now. I wanted to be different. I was born in a small town called Prosser, Washington. Yeah I know you probably have never heard of it. It's okay, where I lived was even smaller. It's called Bickleton, Washington. Most people will never have heard of it either. But I was raised there with my family, my Dad, Mom, 2 sisters and a brother and then me, the baby. It wasn't easy for my parents I'm sure. We did not own our own home, so we tended to move a few times. That was okay to me though, because quite frankly I was a kid and we stayed in the area so I got to keep all my friends. And yes since it was so small you knew everyone and everyone knew you. There are currently probably 100 people in the town of Bickleton, if there are that many. When I went to school there, the population sign said 107 people. They even made it on the show Hee Haw. That was cool, even for those of us that lived there.
I remember my life back then, play with my friends, my family, my animals. There were no worries, why should there be. All my family or most of them lived in this area. And those that didn't well we got to see them quite a bit so it was okay. My Dad was what I would call a rancher, or rather a ranch hand would be the correct term I suppose. He worked for other people, he took care of their cows, calves, horses, whatever was needed he did. If the crop needed harvested he did that too. He loved his family, but I think his all time love was his horses and perhaps a bit of the bottle as well. At least that is what other people have told me, and looking back at my life then, I'm sure he would have been known as a drinker. Did he have a problem with drinking? I don't know. I don't really care at this point. It is in the past and it doesn't matter. So why did I bring it up because it all is what made me ME!!
So I hope that you will find this blog interesting, and if not please let me know. I probably won't change it because this is after all what I want in a blog. But if you have a question or if you feel you need something made clearer please leave me a comment and I will try my best to clear it up for you. This is going to take a while so don't think that all the answers will come out quickly. They won't. I have 49 years of life to catch you up on. I have gone through my own trials and tribulations, just like you have. Mine may be worse than yours, yours may be worse than mine, but this is my account of my life and I wanted to try writing a blog. Why? I don't know, maybe it is because my kids have their own, maybe it is because I read other peoples blogs, maybe it is because I plan on adding my own pictures and what not to it so you can really get to know me. I don't know I just wanted to. So follow along, and let me know that you are here. Stay well and stay safe until my next posting!!
I remember my life back then, play with my friends, my family, my animals. There were no worries, why should there be. All my family or most of them lived in this area. And those that didn't well we got to see them quite a bit so it was okay. My Dad was what I would call a rancher, or rather a ranch hand would be the correct term I suppose. He worked for other people, he took care of their cows, calves, horses, whatever was needed he did. If the crop needed harvested he did that too. He loved his family, but I think his all time love was his horses and perhaps a bit of the bottle as well. At least that is what other people have told me, and looking back at my life then, I'm sure he would have been known as a drinker. Did he have a problem with drinking? I don't know. I don't really care at this point. It is in the past and it doesn't matter. So why did I bring it up because it all is what made me ME!!
So I hope that you will find this blog interesting, and if not please let me know. I probably won't change it because this is after all what I want in a blog. But if you have a question or if you feel you need something made clearer please leave me a comment and I will try my best to clear it up for you. This is going to take a while so don't think that all the answers will come out quickly. They won't. I have 49 years of life to catch you up on. I have gone through my own trials and tribulations, just like you have. Mine may be worse than yours, yours may be worse than mine, but this is my account of my life and I wanted to try writing a blog. Why? I don't know, maybe it is because my kids have their own, maybe it is because I read other peoples blogs, maybe it is because I plan on adding my own pictures and what not to it so you can really get to know me. I don't know I just wanted to. So follow along, and let me know that you are here. Stay well and stay safe until my next posting!!
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