What do you do when you feel there is nothing left?

So time moves on as it always does. I was young and impressionable and stupid to say the very least. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't naive but I was pretty stupid about life in general. My Mom did the best she could raising us kids, I mean after all it's not like any of us were perfect. She had a hard time, and you have to remember this was the late 70's. I guess people thought that she should have stayed at home and never looked at another man. Well that is not reality now is it? People grieve differently. I am not blaming my Mom, I think she did what she felt was best for us kids. However, there were alot of men in and out of our lives. They never tried to take my Dad's place. It wouldn't have done them any good to try we were all old enough to tell them to kiss off. There were a few that were nice, some we only heard about we never met them. Some I wished I hadn't met. But that's life.

I am proud of the fact that no matter what I stuck up for my family, or stuck behind them whatever you want to say. I mean it is one of those things that I can slam them for how they treated me but no one else better slam them cuz then they get to deal with me. And trust me I have heard that I am a bitch by many people, it doesn't bother me anymore. Actually nowadays I am quite proud of it. So growing up wasn't easy. I had a really hard time in school, I guess because living in a small town they all knew that I was upset over my Dad dying before I did. And they all knew that they had to be careful with me because God forbid if somebody said something that set me off. They did not want the responsibility that they may have been the force to make me go nuts. Did I go nuts?? I don't know if you can call it that. I call it that I was told that my nerves could not take anymore and they took a vacation. hehehe so if that is going nuts i guess I did. What is cool for me remembering that time is that my true friends never made fun of me, not once. They all told me that it was okay and that they were sorry that my Dad died. They didn't dwell on it like the adults did, they didn't make fun of me or pity me, they said what they needed to say and moved on. It helped trust me. There is nothing worse than finding out that someone you thought was a friend was only your friend out of pity. That truly sucks and it makes you feel like a loser and a jerk.

I had fun in High School for the most part. Yeah I will admit I got away with murder not only at home but at the school too. I did use my "nervousness" to do things that I should not have. I hav elearned what an idiot thing that is to do. I have learned that one must stand on your own two feet. The best thing that I have learned over the years is this "You are only as good as your word" If you give your word keep it. If you can't keep it, tell the person that you gave your word too and explain what is going on. Truth is always better than lies. There is much less to remember. Lies always catch up with you ALWAYS. Yes I admit it I have lied, I have lied about big things, little things, that that were stupid to lie about. Things I had no reason to lie about, nobody cared but I did it anyway. So this is how I learned I got caught by someone who loved me enough to tell me I was being stupid, yep you guessed it my Mom. You know it's funny cuz for the longest time, my sister raised me, she did the best she could. Or so I think, it isn't her fault that I am the way I am, it's all my responsibility. But I know that people think my Mom was wrong in not being there emotionally, but I truly feel that when my Dad died he took a big piece of my Mom with him. I think she drank alot and saw alot of guys because she was trying to feel something again. I can relate to that. When you know that you should feel something and you don't, it is pretty scary. You feel numb...........and that ain't good.

So anyway, my sister helped to raise me alot. She took care of me, the one problem with this is she couldn't turn it off. Not even after she got married and had her own kids. Not even after I got with someone and had children, she couldn't stop herself. I remember once her telling me that she had done it for so long she couldn't stop. Course this was while my Mom was still alive. She even mothered my Mom for along time. She is the "Mother" of the family. I wish I could make her life easier but I can't and I know I can't. She doesn't understand me nor do I understand all of what she does either. But we get together occasionally shoot the breeze and move on till the next time.

So back to my Mom, she was adrift in a sea of nothingness, or at least that is how I put it. I had an assignment in school once to write a poem that talked about my feelings. I remember turning it in and there was only one sentence on the paper. I feel nothing. That was what I wrote, I was going through life feeling nothing. My English teacher was so awesome he took me aside and said that he was concerned about me. He started having me stay after school helping him out. We talked, it helped. He was one awesome teacher.

I am fine now, although I am on anti-depressants. They keep me sane. I started taking them about a year after my Mom died. I cried all the time. I miss her so much even now and it has been six years. There are times that something happens and I pick up the phone to call Mom, to realize that I can't call her. It hurts but it is life. It will always hurt. She left too early, she was 68 years young. But she had lots of health problems and she was in pain and I wish that I could have been a better daughter to her. I wished that I could have taken her pain away from her. I wish alot of things when it comes to my Mom, but they are only wishes. And if wishes were pennies, I would be rich now.

That's all for tonight, I'm tired, I'm cranky and I'm in need of a good hug from my husband. Till next time stay safe and keep healthy.

More problems to work through

It is amusing to me to look back on my life and try to understand why I did the things that I did. Quite a few of them I did because I was a brat and spoiled. I am not sure if people would admit that about themselves, but after all I'm now 49 and I can admit yes I was spoiled and yes I was a brat. I've grown out of most of that I think. I wasn't spoiled in the way that kids are nowadays though. Kids nowadays have everything they want. They get whatever it is they want when they want it. They don't have to work for it. Back when I was a kid we worked for what we wanted, but when you were spoiled you didn't work quite so hard, or you got some extra from your parent. I got away with alot of stuff that I shouldn't have. I did pretty much what I wanted to. I visited with my friends when I wanted to, or I didn't visit with them. My choice. If I wanted to stay up late during the summer I got to. Of course this is only after my Dad passed away. My Mom was undergoing her own changes, she had to learn to take care of three children without the help of her husband, the bread winner. She suddenly had so much to worry about. She had to find a job. Where was our food going to come from? What about medical bills if something happened. As you can tell I do not blame my Mom for anything. Okay well not true, I do blame her for not letting me attend my Dad's funeral. I really think I was old enough to handle it. But she didn't and she was my Mom and I did what I was told. Looking back on it, not such a good idea.

So anyway, there is life past a nervous breakdown. Life moves forward slowly and gently. So in that vein of moving forward, I had my fights with my Mom, my sister and brother. Wow did I have fights. Some of them I remember very well, some I am sure I do not remember at all. I remember once fighting with my sister, I don't remember what caused it but I remember running through the house and running into my room. I slammed the door and heard this crash, the full length mirror on my door fell off and broke into soo many pieces. Well my sister told me through the door, "You are going to be in so much trouble when Mom comes home". Hmm she was right. I remember hiding in my room, and not coming out until I got this brainy idea to climb out my bedroom window, climb up the tree on to the roof of the house and wait on the front porch roof till my Mom got home. SO I did it. I waited up there for probably two hours till my Mom came home, just so I could tell her that my sister chased me in my room and made me break the mirror when I slammed the door to get away from her. Did I get in trouble? Heck NO!! My sister did. She had to clean up the mess and then she had to apologize to me for making me be so scared. hehehe I guess sometimes it does pay to be the baby. Wow I haven't thought of that in a very long time. Good times Good times.

I remember other good times as well, I remember Christmas times, Mom always made them special. The first Christmas after my Dad passed away, I remember getting a gallon of olives and a bag of walnuts and believe it or not I got a psychedelic stuffed bull, and I got an electric piano.  I remember all of that I'm sure because it was the first Christmas without my Dad. We got what we had asked for all of us did. It was okay. I really wish it wasn't because my Dad died, but that is what I remember.

I remember other fights, I remember fighting with my friends. But most of the time we all got along very well. I hung out with my friends when I got older, Mom knew everyone. I mean when you live in such a small town you know everybody. There were people in my town who didn't like my Mom. They didn't like her because of the way that she raised us kids. My town was full of hypocrites. They would go to church on Sunday and be in the bar Sunday afternoon. They didn't care about talking about people in town, I think they most of them felt that it was their right since they lived there. I walked into the hardware store once to get a gift for my Mom and heard several people talking about her. They were discussing how they didn't think my Mom should be dating anyone so soon. So Soon?? Heck it had been several years or more. And I was the type of person that you didn't talk about my Mom, at least not around me. I could talk about her, I could slam her she was my Mom, but no one else could. Well, okay my siblings could but not anyone who wasn't related. Right there in that hardware store I remember walking around the end of the aisle and telling the two old bitty's to shut the hell up. I told them that they needed to keep their tongues in their mouths and stop talking about things they know nothing about. Well they were upset, I was upset and they did not know what to tell me. I stunned them.  I remember walking out of that store thinking served them right. And I was floating for about two days until I heard someone else talking about my Mom. But to be honest that is a small town. It will never change. Everyone knows what everyone else is doing. I swear sometimes they know when you take a pee. But it was my home. By the way I do not live there anymore. Some of my family does, and I love them. I miss my hometown but I would not want to live there full time. My place of retirement is going to be the beach. WOOOHOO the beach!! That's enough for tonight. I'm tired and I would love nothing more than to lay down and sleep. Can't right now have laundry to do. My job never ends sometimes but I wouldn't change it for anyone or anything in the world. I'm truly happy right here right now. Happy, what a great thing to be. Stay safe and keep healthy till next time.

Is there life beyond a nervous breakdown?

That's a good question don't you think? Is there life beyond a nervous breakdown? Well yes there is. Is it the same life? No, it isn't. I have asked myself that question lots of time. Sure there is life, no there is no way it can be the same as it was before, but you can build a new life and it can be better or worse depending upon how much you want to work for it. I began to rebuild my life. Learn all over again. No not really learn it all over again, just do it again and do it right. I spent alot of that time frame in my bed, or in my Mom's bed crying, not understanding. No one at that time could tell me why it happened when it did. What caused a 13 year old to have a nervous breakdown? Who knows. Could it have been that I was snooping one day in my Mom's stuff and found pictures of my Dad, dead, in his casket? Yeah, I guess it could have been, considering that I was not allowed to go to his funeral. Hell yeah it could have been from that because I always let myself believe that he was still alive, just somewhere else. So the pictures gave me proof positive that he was never coming home again. Funny, how the shrinks never asked me that. Perhaps if they had we could have gotten to the root of my problem quicker, instead of trying drugs. But then again, would I have talked to them? I don't know, I think I would have, I wanted to feel better.

So anyway, then I felt that people were looking at me differently. Like I was a bug under a microscope type of looking. Ya know what I mean? Of course you do, we all do, we have all felt that way at some point in our lives. Perhaps they were looking at me differently, I don't know maybe it was just how I felt about myself at the time. About life without my Dad, about the life that I knew was gone and a whole new life was going to begin. What kind of life? I don't know but a scarier life, one where all your thoughts that monsters don't exist are blown away, and you find that they really do hide out in the closet or under the bed. They are there, terrible things happen to good people and the monsters make it happen. It happened once it could happen again.......

Trying to recover from something like this is hard. But you do what you have to do. My Mom helped me alot to overcome my problems. I would like to tell you that mothers will do what they can for their children. Or I should say most mothers will, some mothers won't I suppose. However, any mother who truly loves her children and want them to be everything they can be will do anything for their children. So remember that when the shrink tries to blame your parents.

Stay safe and keep healthy till the next posting.