Falling Apart

So now you know the secret. The one that I don't tell alot of people. They don't really understand. And now it's been 39 years, this year it will be 40 years since my Dad died. Wow, 40 years. I don't think that I have thought about it like that before. My Dad whose birthday is April 1st, would be 80 years old this year. WOW. Its funny because I remember people telling me, you will get past this. And I did. I was young and young people tend to bounce back quicker and easier. But you know you do what you are suppose to do. It's okay. So as a kid, I guess I just did what I felt was the right thing to do. I didn't deal with it. I made the choice to not deal with it. So what I did was I ignored it. I still believed that my Dad was alive. Or I guess that part of me just knew he wasn't there. He wasn't dead to me, he just wasn't home. Of course, it might have helped had I gone to his funeral. Yes you read that correctly. My Mom, decided I was too young to go to my Dad's funeral. I don't really know why. I just know that she felt it wasn't a good idea. So I went to my cousins she couldn't go she had just had a baby. So I stayed with her. I think that is what made me think that my Dad would be back at some point. But it did play havoc with me. In a few years, I had a nervous breakdown. I remember going to school that day, I remember that we had maple bars in school. I don't remember why but we did. I went to a very small school at that time so I don't know why we would have had doughnuts. Anyway, later that afternoon, I remember getting sick and that I don't remember alot. I know my Mom came and got me and took me home. I know that whatever I was going through must have been hell on my Mom. Anyway, I truly do not remember going home from school that day. I remember that night my Uncle took my Mom and me to the hospital in Prosser. The ride to the hospital, what I remember is hanging my head over my Mom's lap and puking constantly. I heard Mom and Uncle Don talking about maybe someone had slipped me some drugs or something. I don't remember the rest of the ride. When we got to the hospital, I remember the lights in the ceiling in the hallway, I was on a gurney and they were wheeling me down the hallway. The lights were flying by so I guess we were moving pretty quickly. I don't remember anything after that until the next day. I woke up the next morning, in a strange bed, by myself and in pain. My back was killing me. I was scared. I remember yelling for my Mom. I remember rubbing my lower back because it hurt so bad. I pulled my hand out from behind me and looked at it, and all I saw was blood. I freaked, I screamed. They came running. The nurse told me to take it easy that I was okay. They called my Mom, I guess they had sent her home. So she was on her way back to the hospital.

When she got there, she came straight to my room and told me that the Dr had decided that I had had a nervous breakdown. Great. You don't understand what that means trust me. To someone who is a teenager, I was 13 it is a crappy thing to have to go through. Then my Mom told me that the reason that my hand had blood on it is because they did a spinal tap. They thought that I had ingested drugs in some way and I guess they wanted to find out what it was. Let me tell you, I WILL NEVER NEVER have a spinal tap again if I have a choice. It hurt and it hurt for quite some time afterward. And I will tell you I think that it messed up my back. But that is my opinion. And what do I know, I am not a Doctor. Anyway, so they decided that I had a nervous breakdown, then it was time for the shrinks. Yes I say shrinks. Some were good, some were not so good. One told my Mom that the only thing wrong with me is that I was missing my Dad because there was no male to notice that I was going through puberty. I thought my Mom was gonna kill him. She got up and literally pushed him across the room and told him he could go to hell. :) Yeah that was my Mom. So then she found another shrink, he was pretty nice. He put me on Valium. Said I needed it. Yeah I needed it so much that I got addicted to it. So we learned Valium bad very bad. Once I got off of it, I have never taken it again. I learned my lesson very early. I made it through it though. It was great, well it wasn't great, but like I said before, it is what made me me. This is my life, by the time I was 13, I was being raised by a widowed parent, I had a nervous breakdown and learned that not all shrinks are created equal. But I have made it. The last shrink that I went to on the last appointment that I had with him, he told me that I was unique. That I had gone through more setbacks in 13 years than most people do in 40 years. I don't know if that was true then, but I darn sure know that looking back at it, it was hell but I made it.

Of course you realize that this is really only part of my life. I can't tell you everything that I did when I was younger. I don't remember quite a bit of it. I don't really know if that is by design or by chance. But I do know that you have to work through the trials and tribulations of life. I will continue to work through my life trials. It isn't easy but it will be done if it is meant to be. Be safe and stay healthy until the next posting.