High School and beyond

     High School was okay I guess. I liked learning, I still do, but never the less it was still High School. Of course it didn't help that things went rather bad with my Mom and I. I don't really know why but it did. So I transferred schools. I went and lived with my brother and his wife. They were cool, and my brother rocked to take on his little sister and make sure that I went to school. It was way different for me though. That school was huge, compared to where I use to go. I felt intimidated right off the bat. But I was lucky I started hanging out with some really nice people. So time goes on, I will spare you the agony of reading about boring school classes and what I learned in them LOL. Then one day I get back home to my brothers and we have company. My sister-in-laws sister and her husband were there, and they had brought someone with them. He was nice, in the army, he was on leave at the time. So it was all okay. We talked got to know each other. I remember this one time they came over and an old boyfriend of mine showed up as well. I was sitting on the couch and the old boyfriend kept scooting closer to me, I kept scooting away from him. Pretty soon I was out of room, and I looked around the room and there was the friend of my sister-in-laws, he looked at me and motioned for me to go sit by him. I did. And that was the beginning of a relationship that lasted 23 years and resulted in 3 beautiful children. As good as it started it did not end that way. But then marriages rarely do. It was good for along time, but then it went bad, terribly bad. Anyway back to the subject at hand. So I started hanging out with this guy, who was a couple years older than myself. I of course fell madly in love with him.
     Well we got together and we had 3 children, 2 girls and one boy. They are the loves of my life, and I am so glad that they are mine. So life was great, for years life was good. Then we hit some hard patches, my mom had a heart attack, I wanted him to go to the hospital with me, he wouldn't. I drove about 45 miles by myself, not knowing if my Mom was dead or alive, I was sooo scared. When I got to the hospital they had moved my Mom from that one to another one 35 miles away. Luckily my Brother-in-Law who I will love till my dying day, waited there for me to show up so that he could take me to the hospital so I wouldn't be alone. I love you Cliff and will always remember what you did for me that night. Anyway, we get to the hospital and my Mom was really bad, it was a major heart attack. I thought I was going to lose her like I lost my Dad. But she pulled through it, it wasn't easy, we were told that she probably wouldn't make it. My oldest brother was called and even though he didn't see us very much he drove in to see Mom. I have always wondered if that is what saved my Mom. I think seeing her oldest child who she hadn't seen in years helped alot. But what do I know?
     You know it is so hard to write about these things. People tell me it is catharctic, I don't know if it is or not. All I know is that it is hard and takes alot out of me, to remember alot of things that I wish I could forget. So for now, I am tired after all it is 5am. why am I up so early you ask yourself as you are reading this. Well stupid me, got two more dogs yesterday and we are having a problem with them getting along with our other three dogs. So for now, the first three go outside and go potty, then the other two go outside to go potty in front or back whichever one I put them in. So anyway I am awake because the new dogs needed to go outside to go potty, then the other dogs wanted out, and since I have to referee them all, I am still up and more than wide awake thanks for five dogs. hehehe anyway, I'm off until next time stay safe and stay healthy.

What do you do when you feel there is nothing left?

So time moves on as it always does. I was young and impressionable and stupid to say the very least. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't naive but I was pretty stupid about life in general. My Mom did the best she could raising us kids, I mean after all it's not like any of us were perfect. She had a hard time, and you have to remember this was the late 70's. I guess people thought that she should have stayed at home and never looked at another man. Well that is not reality now is it? People grieve differently. I am not blaming my Mom, I think she did what she felt was best for us kids. However, there were alot of men in and out of our lives. They never tried to take my Dad's place. It wouldn't have done them any good to try we were all old enough to tell them to kiss off. There were a few that were nice, some we only heard about we never met them. Some I wished I hadn't met. But that's life.

I am proud of the fact that no matter what I stuck up for my family, or stuck behind them whatever you want to say. I mean it is one of those things that I can slam them for how they treated me but no one else better slam them cuz then they get to deal with me. And trust me I have heard that I am a bitch by many people, it doesn't bother me anymore. Actually nowadays I am quite proud of it. So growing up wasn't easy. I had a really hard time in school, I guess because living in a small town they all knew that I was upset over my Dad dying before I did. And they all knew that they had to be careful with me because God forbid if somebody said something that set me off. They did not want the responsibility that they may have been the force to make me go nuts. Did I go nuts?? I don't know if you can call it that. I call it that I was told that my nerves could not take anymore and they took a vacation. hehehe so if that is going nuts i guess I did. What is cool for me remembering that time is that my true friends never made fun of me, not once. They all told me that it was okay and that they were sorry that my Dad died. They didn't dwell on it like the adults did, they didn't make fun of me or pity me, they said what they needed to say and moved on. It helped trust me. There is nothing worse than finding out that someone you thought was a friend was only your friend out of pity. That truly sucks and it makes you feel like a loser and a jerk.

I had fun in High School for the most part. Yeah I will admit I got away with murder not only at home but at the school too. I did use my "nervousness" to do things that I should not have. I hav elearned what an idiot thing that is to do. I have learned that one must stand on your own two feet. The best thing that I have learned over the years is this "You are only as good as your word" If you give your word keep it. If you can't keep it, tell the person that you gave your word too and explain what is going on. Truth is always better than lies. There is much less to remember. Lies always catch up with you ALWAYS. Yes I admit it I have lied, I have lied about big things, little things, that that were stupid to lie about. Things I had no reason to lie about, nobody cared but I did it anyway. So this is how I learned I got caught by someone who loved me enough to tell me I was being stupid, yep you guessed it my Mom. You know it's funny cuz for the longest time, my sister raised me, she did the best she could. Or so I think, it isn't her fault that I am the way I am, it's all my responsibility. But I know that people think my Mom was wrong in not being there emotionally, but I truly feel that when my Dad died he took a big piece of my Mom with him. I think she drank alot and saw alot of guys because she was trying to feel something again. I can relate to that. When you know that you should feel something and you don't, it is pretty scary. You feel numb...........and that ain't good.

So anyway, my sister helped to raise me alot. She took care of me, the one problem with this is she couldn't turn it off. Not even after she got married and had her own kids. Not even after I got with someone and had children, she couldn't stop herself. I remember once her telling me that she had done it for so long she couldn't stop. Course this was while my Mom was still alive. She even mothered my Mom for along time. She is the "Mother" of the family. I wish I could make her life easier but I can't and I know I can't. She doesn't understand me nor do I understand all of what she does either. But we get together occasionally shoot the breeze and move on till the next time.

So back to my Mom, she was adrift in a sea of nothingness, or at least that is how I put it. I had an assignment in school once to write a poem that talked about my feelings. I remember turning it in and there was only one sentence on the paper. I feel nothing. That was what I wrote, I was going through life feeling nothing. My English teacher was so awesome he took me aside and said that he was concerned about me. He started having me stay after school helping him out. We talked, it helped. He was one awesome teacher.

I am fine now, although I am on anti-depressants. They keep me sane. I started taking them about a year after my Mom died. I cried all the time. I miss her so much even now and it has been six years. There are times that something happens and I pick up the phone to call Mom, to realize that I can't call her. It hurts but it is life. It will always hurt. She left too early, she was 68 years young. But she had lots of health problems and she was in pain and I wish that I could have been a better daughter to her. I wished that I could have taken her pain away from her. I wish alot of things when it comes to my Mom, but they are only wishes. And if wishes were pennies, I would be rich now.

That's all for tonight, I'm tired, I'm cranky and I'm in need of a good hug from my husband. Till next time stay safe and keep healthy.

More problems to work through

It is amusing to me to look back on my life and try to understand why I did the things that I did. Quite a few of them I did because I was a brat and spoiled. I am not sure if people would admit that about themselves, but after all I'm now 49 and I can admit yes I was spoiled and yes I was a brat. I've grown out of most of that I think. I wasn't spoiled in the way that kids are nowadays though. Kids nowadays have everything they want. They get whatever it is they want when they want it. They don't have to work for it. Back when I was a kid we worked for what we wanted, but when you were spoiled you didn't work quite so hard, or you got some extra from your parent. I got away with alot of stuff that I shouldn't have. I did pretty much what I wanted to. I visited with my friends when I wanted to, or I didn't visit with them. My choice. If I wanted to stay up late during the summer I got to. Of course this is only after my Dad passed away. My Mom was undergoing her own changes, she had to learn to take care of three children without the help of her husband, the bread winner. She suddenly had so much to worry about. She had to find a job. Where was our food going to come from? What about medical bills if something happened. As you can tell I do not blame my Mom for anything. Okay well not true, I do blame her for not letting me attend my Dad's funeral. I really think I was old enough to handle it. But she didn't and she was my Mom and I did what I was told. Looking back on it, not such a good idea.

So anyway, there is life past a nervous breakdown. Life moves forward slowly and gently. So in that vein of moving forward, I had my fights with my Mom, my sister and brother. Wow did I have fights. Some of them I remember very well, some I am sure I do not remember at all. I remember once fighting with my sister, I don't remember what caused it but I remember running through the house and running into my room. I slammed the door and heard this crash, the full length mirror on my door fell off and broke into soo many pieces. Well my sister told me through the door, "You are going to be in so much trouble when Mom comes home". Hmm she was right. I remember hiding in my room, and not coming out until I got this brainy idea to climb out my bedroom window, climb up the tree on to the roof of the house and wait on the front porch roof till my Mom got home. SO I did it. I waited up there for probably two hours till my Mom came home, just so I could tell her that my sister chased me in my room and made me break the mirror when I slammed the door to get away from her. Did I get in trouble? Heck NO!! My sister did. She had to clean up the mess and then she had to apologize to me for making me be so scared. hehehe I guess sometimes it does pay to be the baby. Wow I haven't thought of that in a very long time. Good times Good times.

I remember other good times as well, I remember Christmas times, Mom always made them special. The first Christmas after my Dad passed away, I remember getting a gallon of olives and a bag of walnuts and believe it or not I got a psychedelic stuffed bull, and I got an electric piano.  I remember all of that I'm sure because it was the first Christmas without my Dad. We got what we had asked for all of us did. It was okay. I really wish it wasn't because my Dad died, but that is what I remember.

I remember other fights, I remember fighting with my friends. But most of the time we all got along very well. I hung out with my friends when I got older, Mom knew everyone. I mean when you live in such a small town you know everybody. There were people in my town who didn't like my Mom. They didn't like her because of the way that she raised us kids. My town was full of hypocrites. They would go to church on Sunday and be in the bar Sunday afternoon. They didn't care about talking about people in town, I think they most of them felt that it was their right since they lived there. I walked into the hardware store once to get a gift for my Mom and heard several people talking about her. They were discussing how they didn't think my Mom should be dating anyone so soon. So Soon?? Heck it had been several years or more. And I was the type of person that you didn't talk about my Mom, at least not around me. I could talk about her, I could slam her she was my Mom, but no one else could. Well, okay my siblings could but not anyone who wasn't related. Right there in that hardware store I remember walking around the end of the aisle and telling the two old bitty's to shut the hell up. I told them that they needed to keep their tongues in their mouths and stop talking about things they know nothing about. Well they were upset, I was upset and they did not know what to tell me. I stunned them.  I remember walking out of that store thinking served them right. And I was floating for about two days until I heard someone else talking about my Mom. But to be honest that is a small town. It will never change. Everyone knows what everyone else is doing. I swear sometimes they know when you take a pee. But it was my home. By the way I do not live there anymore. Some of my family does, and I love them. I miss my hometown but I would not want to live there full time. My place of retirement is going to be the beach. WOOOHOO the beach!! That's enough for tonight. I'm tired and I would love nothing more than to lay down and sleep. Can't right now have laundry to do. My job never ends sometimes but I wouldn't change it for anyone or anything in the world. I'm truly happy right here right now. Happy, what a great thing to be. Stay safe and keep healthy till next time.

Is there life beyond a nervous breakdown?

That's a good question don't you think? Is there life beyond a nervous breakdown? Well yes there is. Is it the same life? No, it isn't. I have asked myself that question lots of time. Sure there is life, no there is no way it can be the same as it was before, but you can build a new life and it can be better or worse depending upon how much you want to work for it. I began to rebuild my life. Learn all over again. No not really learn it all over again, just do it again and do it right. I spent alot of that time frame in my bed, or in my Mom's bed crying, not understanding. No one at that time could tell me why it happened when it did. What caused a 13 year old to have a nervous breakdown? Who knows. Could it have been that I was snooping one day in my Mom's stuff and found pictures of my Dad, dead, in his casket? Yeah, I guess it could have been, considering that I was not allowed to go to his funeral. Hell yeah it could have been from that because I always let myself believe that he was still alive, just somewhere else. So the pictures gave me proof positive that he was never coming home again. Funny, how the shrinks never asked me that. Perhaps if they had we could have gotten to the root of my problem quicker, instead of trying drugs. But then again, would I have talked to them? I don't know, I think I would have, I wanted to feel better.

So anyway, then I felt that people were looking at me differently. Like I was a bug under a microscope type of looking. Ya know what I mean? Of course you do, we all do, we have all felt that way at some point in our lives. Perhaps they were looking at me differently, I don't know maybe it was just how I felt about myself at the time. About life without my Dad, about the life that I knew was gone and a whole new life was going to begin. What kind of life? I don't know but a scarier life, one where all your thoughts that monsters don't exist are blown away, and you find that they really do hide out in the closet or under the bed. They are there, terrible things happen to good people and the monsters make it happen. It happened once it could happen again.......

Trying to recover from something like this is hard. But you do what you have to do. My Mom helped me alot to overcome my problems. I would like to tell you that mothers will do what they can for their children. Or I should say most mothers will, some mothers won't I suppose. However, any mother who truly loves her children and want them to be everything they can be will do anything for their children. So remember that when the shrink tries to blame your parents.

Stay safe and keep healthy till the next posting.

Falling Apart

So now you know the secret. The one that I don't tell alot of people. They don't really understand. And now it's been 39 years, this year it will be 40 years since my Dad died. Wow, 40 years. I don't think that I have thought about it like that before. My Dad whose birthday is April 1st, would be 80 years old this year. WOW. Its funny because I remember people telling me, you will get past this. And I did. I was young and young people tend to bounce back quicker and easier. But you know you do what you are suppose to do. It's okay. So as a kid, I guess I just did what I felt was the right thing to do. I didn't deal with it. I made the choice to not deal with it. So what I did was I ignored it. I still believed that my Dad was alive. Or I guess that part of me just knew he wasn't there. He wasn't dead to me, he just wasn't home. Of course, it might have helped had I gone to his funeral. Yes you read that correctly. My Mom, decided I was too young to go to my Dad's funeral. I don't really know why. I just know that she felt it wasn't a good idea. So I went to my cousins she couldn't go she had just had a baby. So I stayed with her. I think that is what made me think that my Dad would be back at some point. But it did play havoc with me. In a few years, I had a nervous breakdown. I remember going to school that day, I remember that we had maple bars in school. I don't remember why but we did. I went to a very small school at that time so I don't know why we would have had doughnuts. Anyway, later that afternoon, I remember getting sick and that I don't remember alot. I know my Mom came and got me and took me home. I know that whatever I was going through must have been hell on my Mom. Anyway, I truly do not remember going home from school that day. I remember that night my Uncle took my Mom and me to the hospital in Prosser. The ride to the hospital, what I remember is hanging my head over my Mom's lap and puking constantly. I heard Mom and Uncle Don talking about maybe someone had slipped me some drugs or something. I don't remember the rest of the ride. When we got to the hospital, I remember the lights in the ceiling in the hallway, I was on a gurney and they were wheeling me down the hallway. The lights were flying by so I guess we were moving pretty quickly. I don't remember anything after that until the next day. I woke up the next morning, in a strange bed, by myself and in pain. My back was killing me. I was scared. I remember yelling for my Mom. I remember rubbing my lower back because it hurt so bad. I pulled my hand out from behind me and looked at it, and all I saw was blood. I freaked, I screamed. They came running. The nurse told me to take it easy that I was okay. They called my Mom, I guess they had sent her home. So she was on her way back to the hospital.

When she got there, she came straight to my room and told me that the Dr had decided that I had had a nervous breakdown. Great. You don't understand what that means trust me. To someone who is a teenager, I was 13 it is a crappy thing to have to go through. Then my Mom told me that the reason that my hand had blood on it is because they did a spinal tap. They thought that I had ingested drugs in some way and I guess they wanted to find out what it was. Let me tell you, I WILL NEVER NEVER have a spinal tap again if I have a choice. It hurt and it hurt for quite some time afterward. And I will tell you I think that it messed up my back. But that is my opinion. And what do I know, I am not a Doctor. Anyway, so they decided that I had a nervous breakdown, then it was time for the shrinks. Yes I say shrinks. Some were good, some were not so good. One told my Mom that the only thing wrong with me is that I was missing my Dad because there was no male to notice that I was going through puberty. I thought my Mom was gonna kill him. She got up and literally pushed him across the room and told him he could go to hell. :) Yeah that was my Mom. So then she found another shrink, he was pretty nice. He put me on Valium. Said I needed it. Yeah I needed it so much that I got addicted to it. So we learned Valium bad very bad. Once I got off of it, I have never taken it again. I learned my lesson very early. I made it through it though. It was great, well it wasn't great, but like I said before, it is what made me me. This is my life, by the time I was 13, I was being raised by a widowed parent, I had a nervous breakdown and learned that not all shrinks are created equal. But I have made it. The last shrink that I went to on the last appointment that I had with him, he told me that I was unique. That I had gone through more setbacks in 13 years than most people do in 40 years. I don't know if that was true then, but I darn sure know that looking back at it, it was hell but I made it.

Of course you realize that this is really only part of my life. I can't tell you everything that I did when I was younger. I don't remember quite a bit of it. I don't really know if that is by design or by chance. But I do know that you have to work through the trials and tribulations of life. I will continue to work through my life trials. It isn't easy but it will be done if it is meant to be. Be safe and stay healthy until the next posting.

The bad part of my young life

Well, lets see where to begin on this journey of bad news. First off, I should say that my Dad rode horses alot. He owned his own and they were his, my two sisters shared that love with him. I didn't or at least I don't remember loving the horses like they did. Don't get me wrong I enjoyed horses, in particular our horses. We had one called Stranger, he was the coolest horse. We could give him peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and he would eat them. Oh my if you have never seen a horse eating peanut butter you have to picture this, they have such big mouths that the peanut butter gets stuck on the top of their mouths and they are continuously trying to get it off. It is way too funny to watch. And then of course my Dad would give him a bottle of beer and he would of course drink it. He would grasp the neck of the bottle with his teeth and tilt his mouth up to the sky and he would just poor it down his throat. It was amusing I must say at least for a 10 year old to watch anyway. So time goes on and Dad takes me to herding cows with him. I get to ride stranger, just hold on Dad says, Stranger knows what to do. He's a good cutting horse. Well yeah he is a very good cutting horse, he almost dumped me twice. Dad says it is because I didn't have my boots on. Well I didn't have boots to wear so I was wearing tennis shoes. It was a good day, but I was tired very quickly from riding on a horse. Dad took me to where my Mom worked at a restaurant so that I could eat something. Then he told Mom that he needed some money because he needed to buy me my first pair of cowboy boots. And she gave him the money and we went and bought them. I have no idea what they looked like I just remember actually getting the boots. Funny how your mind doesn't let you remember everything, just bits and pieces. All of this took place in the summer, and in October, of 1971, I had turned 10 years old in August, the worst thing ever happened to me. My Dad died. He was 40 years old. He just died. He was there one minute gone the next. Let me tell you it sucked. I remember the day just like it happened yesterday. It is hard to forget when one incident changes your whole world.

It was a nice day, Dad was getting his horse ready to go roping. He was headed to Prosser to go roping with his friends. He did that alot. Sometimes us kids went this was not one of those times. Mom was going. So my Dad, who was never demonstrative, got ready to leave he gave me a hug and told me he loved me. I was stunned, even at 10 I remember thinking wow Dad what got into you. I mean don't get me wrong, I always knew my Dad loved me. He just didn't say it. But we all knew. It was just one of those unspoken things. But anyway, so Dad and Mom leave in the horse trailer with the horse. Several hours later, my sister and I were sitting on the porch and I looked at her and told her that Dad wasn't coming home. I didn't know why. I just knew. A couple hours after that and here comes my Mom and my Uncle driving up in my Uncle's pickup. No horse trailer, no my Dad, just my Mom, crying, holding my Dad's cowboy hat. No one got my Dad's hat but Dad. I knew at the age of 10 what it is like for your whole world to fall down around your ears. The way you had always lived was gone, in a heartbeat, or truthfully it was gone in the lack of a heartbeat. My Dad died from a Massive Coronary. In plain language, he had a heart attack that no one could come back from. His heart quit, it stopped and it was never going to start again. My Dad didn't exist anymore except in pictures and memories. It wasn't really fair. He was young. Why my Dad? I asked myself all the questions, I never got any answers, or at least I never got the answers to the questions I asked.

My Dad was dead. Dead at 40 years old. Never coming home again. I was never going to see him again. Dead. Permanent. Gone. It was insane, it was terrible, heartbreaking pain that tore through a person and made them feel nothing, just nothing. Tears oh my god the tears came and they went, and then they came again. It was a time of what do we do now. Where do we go from here. So many people in and out of the house. People calling, letters being written and being received. It was STOP, for me it was just stop. My Mom was crying constantly, my sisters and my brother would cry. I know I cried, but I also know that they cried. My Uncle spend alot of time at my house, so did my Aunt. My Granny and Grandpa, my Dad's parents, they pretty much got through the funeral. And then the only time we saw them was pretty much when us kids went over there. I never knew what had happened with them for many years. I know now, I'm not happy with what happened but I can't change it and they are the ones that had to live with what happened. So anyway, I guess a little later on about six months or so, maybe a year, my Mom went to my Grandparents to ask them for some help. My Grandpa said no. He didn't like her much I learned years later. But why wouldn't he help his grandchildren? I don't know, I can't answer that because by the time I found all this out he was long since gone, passed away, so I could not ask him. I just know that my Mom never let us kids know about it until after we were adults. She was pretty smart my Mom. She knew it would have an effect on our relationship with them and she did not want that to happen.

Okay so this has dredged up alot of hard feelings. Feelings that I have not faced in a very long time. It's not easy writing this and feeling these feelings again. So stay safe and healthy till I write more.

Grade School

So here I am back again, tonight. I found myself wanting to get this down for some reason. Perhaps it is because my oldest daughter made a comment after reading my first posting, I don't know. What I do know is that I feel the need to get this out. Maybe it has been bothering me? Anyway, here goes. So I think back to my grade school. I didn't go to Kindergarten, I don't think Bickleton had a Kindergarten to be honest. I remember my first and second grade teacher though, and she was great. I remember her being nice but firm. She was one of those people that she would correct you if you needed it but she was just as lucky to give you a hug if you needed that too. But then please remember this was back when a teacher could give you a hug, because as a little child you needed one. Or then again your teacher could give you a whack on the backside if you needed that too. But we will get into that later. I remember one time that we got into trouble during first grade, we got corrected by our hands being hit with a ruler. OUCH. yes I said OUCH. It's funny I can remember that. But we never got in trouble for something that we didn't do. She was one smart teacher. And I thank her for helping me become who I am today. She wasn't afraid to let your parents know if you were doing good or bad and she darn sure wasn't afraid of the kids. Perhaps it was because back then, your parents would kick your a$$ if you didn't behave. We were taught manners, morals, respect, ethics, you know good old fashioned values. Alot of people today, well I should say alot of kids today do not have that, and they know that they can pull the wool over their parents eyes. In other words they don't get in trouble. Back when I was growing up, you did. One did not dare to back talk their parents. Because if you did you got smacked and to be honest you deserved it.

Anyway where was I? Oh yeah getting smacked by my teacher. LOL yeah anyway the point was that she was a great teacher, and I remember her all these years later. I also remember my classmates, well there is a reason for that. Bickleton was so small that the classes never really grew. My class was the graduating class of 1979. So I knew everyone in my class. Some would show up through the years but they would go away. We were one of the biggest classes of Bickleton High School. Our class was 17 students. I know go ahead and laugh. It's okay but at that time I didn't know any better. I didn't know there were way bigger schools out there. All I knew was Bickleton. And I liked it, or I guess I did. So back to my life. I remember playing during recess one time, we were outside and it was a nice day. Mind you this is when girls wore dresses or skirts. We were not allowed to wear pants to school. So we didn't. We would never have gotten out of the door at home. The only time I remember wearing pants was when it was winter time and there was alot of snow. But as soon as we got to school off came the pants. It was the rules and we followed them without question.

So we were out on recess and we were playing, and I remember we started playing cowboys and indians. ::laughing:: Gosh it has been so long ago now. It's like it happened to someone else not to me. We were playing and I remember tying one of the boys to a tree and I will not name him because this isn't about him. But it was so funny. We left him out there, but I remember before we went in from recess, I remember kissing him. Wow what a hussy I was. LOL I remember the teacher asking where he was and I told her outside tied to a tree. hehehe wow did I get into trouble. We didn't get to have the jump ropes after that for about a week. That showed me huh. Actually no it didn't but I'm sure it had an impact on me at the time. I don't remember all of my childhood, or rather I prefer not to write about some of it. Why you might ask well my younger school years were not alot of fun after a certain time in my life. But that is for later.

I remember growing up and having my friends and playing with them after school and on weekends. It was a normal life. My Dad always worked. My Mom worked sometimes. Not always, but she was always there for us kids. Always there for us kids. My Mom did the best that she could with what she was given. I know it must not have been easy for her. Dad was a rancher and he loved being out on his horses. I remember one time Dad was supposed to pick us kids up. I don't remember from where. But he picked us up in this old red car we had. We went to the Tavern in Bickleton. Dad wanted a beer so he stopped and told us to stay in the car. We did and pretty soon, here would come Dad out of the Tavern with soda pop and peanuts for all of us. Bottles of soda pop, grape or orange crush, pepsi, squirt, but real glass bottles, we used to take our peanuts and put them in our soda. Why? I don't know it is just what we did. We may be there for hours while my Dad drank inside. Then when he was ready to go home, he would come out, climb in the car and drive us all home. Remember this was many years ago. And we lived in an area where there were not police very often. Wow it is hard to remember some of this. I would never do that to my kids, my grandkids or my great grandkids. But that was the norm back then. I'm not saying everybody did it, but I can honestly say that I didn't think anything about it at the time.

I need a break. It's hard to think about the past some of it is soo painful, and I miss some of those times so darn much. It's not that I want to go back to that time, but sometimes I miss what I had back then. Think about it and you can understand it. I will write more later, this is enough for now. Enjoy and stay safe and healthy until next posting.